I'm sorry to vent here, but I think this is the place to do it.
I've been a type 1 diabetic for 20 years. I was diagnosed with I was 16, I am 36 now. At first, I tried to check my blood sugar and watch what I ate, but my family wasn't too supportive (meaning that they still always ate out, and didn't really learn about carb counting). I quickly felt bad when seeing the doctor because my blood sugar was still high, so I basically started just making up the numbers to make it look like I was doing good. As the years went on, I started dealing with some heavy depression and pretty much stopped checking my blood sugar. I still knew that I couldn't just binge on junk food and sugar because it made me feel like crap, so I stopped doing that.
It's been like that for quite a while. In the last 15 years, I was married, had 2 kids, and then divorced, and still dealt with some really heavy depression. I didn't have insurance for the whole time, because I made too much for our state's healthcare but insurance wasn't offered at my job. Therefore, I wasn't able to see an endo and just saw a regular "Community Health Clinic" doctor. They would ask me how I felt and all that and I knew all the right answers to make them leave me alone. They would tell me to adjust my insulin at some points, but being a diabetic for so long, I was WAY ahead of them and already doing that. The problem was that I couldn't fake my A1C, so obviously they knew something was up.
Over the past year and a half, I've been feeling a lot worse. Had to call into work a lot, and still suffering from depression. Let me be clear, I am HORRIBLE and checking my blood sugar. Sometimes, I'll get back in the zone and will check it often over a week or two, but I always go back to being lazy and not taking care of myself.
I'm pretty good at not eating high carb foods or junk food, though I'm not perfect. Ever since I was little, I've been underweight, and I now weigh roughly 140 pounds.
Last night, I had a problem. I basically pooped in my sleep. That's incredibly embarrassing to admit, but hey, I'm a stranger on the Internet. This isn't the first time it's happened, as it's happened about 3 or 4 times in the past year. I started Googling it, and stumbled upon Chronic Kidney Disease which, I guess, it directly related to diabetes.
So, I spent a good 2 hours crying my eyes out from fear. I can't seem to get a handle on the depression and the diabetes, and I've been a diabetic for 20 years. I worry about my kids, my kidneys, and my general health. I don't exercise much, and I still rarely check my blood sugar. It's almost like I'm in some kind of reverse honeymoon stage.
I really need some kind of support group or help in handling it, and I'm really ashamed to say that, since I should be an absolute pro since I've lived with this for 20 years. I do have insurance now, but I still haven't found an endocrinologist yet. Part of me is totally ashamed of what they might say to me if I find one. There's still a big part of me that just feels guilty for fucking up this way.
I just need to know how to start, or if it's normal for some of us to be this way. I desperately need to get a handle on it. Do you guys have any advice?
Edit: I'm sorry if this is rambling. I'm at work and woke up at 2:00 AM with that shit and wasn't able to go back to sleep.
Edit #2: Thank you guys SO, SO much for the responses. I'm so glad I posted this, even though it's very embarrassing. You've given me some hope and some places to start. I think you guys may have saved a life today.
Social Plugin