Had a bit of a breakdown today

I was diagnosed with type two diabetes about a month ago. It was question that I needed to buckle down and eat right. I cut the amount of carbs I eat down significantly, dropped soda and have been more active. I didn't realize how bad my numbers were last month until I signed up for a patient portal so I could see my results. I don't know why I wasn't in the hospital. My blood sugar 403, my A1C was 12.4% , my liver fuction counts were twice as high as they should be, my thyroid was 5.128 (I have Hatchimoto's), my sodium and chloride were low. It was a mess. I am pissedny doctor only said mt results were bad, but only told me of the high A1C and low bicarb levels. He og ored my thyroid completely. I get the one problem at a time approach, but my thyroid needs to be addressed. I was so mad I had only lost a few pounds even though I am eating so much better. I have been so tiredand my chronic pain worse. I figured it was my blood sugar coming down.

I was on Metformin for two weeks, but was so sick on it my doctor switched me to Januvia. He told me if my A1C wasn't under 7 he would up my dose from 50 to 100mg. I had my blood drawn on Thursday and yesterday his office called and said mt A1C is still high and to go up to 100mg. I am a bit pissed. Of course mt A1C is still high! It takes three months for it to come down and it jas only been 1! Considering it is an average and it was so high at first, there was no way my average would come down! I have been under 200 since two days after my diagnosis. I am never over 160 and am rarely close to it. The only time ny blood sugar is higher than it should be is my fasting and that is usually my highest reading for the day! I have been so good on my diet. I measure and count and decline food that will raise my blood sugar. I have been more active, but not as much as I would like to be partially because I had a bad cold a few weeks ago ans partly because the pain has been so bad it has taken everything in me to take care of my kids (they are 4.5 and almost 3). I feel like whatever activities I take for today I borrow from tomorrow to do. I hurt. I am exhausted. I am miserable.

I have had chronic pain issues for years as well as health problems and it feels like I have lost any control I had over my life. My one comfort was I could eat what I liked. Now I can't and it is a good part of the reason I habe diabetes. I know there is genetics. My grandpa on my mom's side had it, as well as his siblings and their kids. My grandma on my dad's side and her sister and one of her kids has it. My older sister has it. It was inevitable, but I hastened its arrival. I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being miserable. I know it is an adjustment. I know I am grieving the loss of my old life. I would be kind to anyone else feeling like this. But not to myself. I keeo telling myself it is just food and I need to get over it.

I am visiting my parents for the weekend and so I have no real ability to cook for myself. My mom's stove is terrible and her fridge is gross with no room for more food. My husband and I were deciding in lunch and I got surly. I didn't want to eat because I felt like it was all bad choices and I couldn't eat anything. My mom offered things I jad no way of making and it just pissed me off more. While she took the kids outside my husbandand I finally could talk. I broke down and ugly cried. I sobbed because it fwels like everything is getting worse instead of better. It feels like all my hard work is for nothing. I keep track of all my blood sugars, but I know my doctoe will barely glance at them and assume I am fudging the numbers. He asked mt husband it I was following my diet last time I went, like I was some child that wouldn't do what I should. I feel lile he trapped me because there was no way he wasn't going to bump up my medication. It feels lile a failure because I couldn't do enough to get it down no matter how impossible that may be. I know I need to find an endocrinologist because my case is complex and my doctor is not doing the best job managing it. I feel like he assumes I will be non complient and fail even though I have been trying my hardest.

On top of that, my sister keeps telling me I need to file for a medical marijuana license. Where she lives they are progressive and use it for many conditons. In mt state, there is a handful of conditions even then it is tough to get. If I apply they will deny me and it will get me flagged as a drug seeker. I have tried everything else I could. I can't take NSAIDS becauseof a neurological condition. If I get flagged I will never get help. No one wants to treat me as it is because my conditions will not get better. I feel shitty for being upset. I feel shitty physically. I feel so helpless. I feel like all I do is complain and I feel like shit for not getting over it sooner.

I don't know what to do. I havean appointment with my PCP on Thursday. I can view my lab results on Tuesday. I plan to look for an endo on Monday and look at my results so I can talk to my doctor about them. But I still feel like I can't eat anything and I feel like I will always feel lile shit. I need something to go right and turn my mood around. I need some kind of victory.

Sorry for the rant. I am sure it has typos all over too and it is late and I am on my phone so I am going to just leave this as is. Thanks.for listening. You guys have been so supportive and it has really helped me in thos troubled time. I can't express how appreciative I am for that.