TL;DR: My new boyfriend's sugar rollercoasters every day, he forgets his testing kit and insulin every time he goes out so I started to carry extras for him in my purse, he doesn't eat the entire day and when he does eat it's candy, sweets, and sugar, forgets to take his insulin constantly so I have to beg him to, and last night just told me he feels like I don't care about him and his diabetes.
New boyfriend, we started dating about a month before the pandemic lock down started. We live in Germany. We decided to self- isolate together, at his place. He is a 'risk group' and I just don't want to go outside with this mess so it worked out well. So this pandemic is already, naturally, putting a strain on our (and everyone's) relationship because we are with each other 24/7. He was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes two years ago (he is 32). During this time he was diagnosed with other stuff as well- he had so much stress going on in his life at that time, he also lost the hearing in his right ear. Since living with him I've noticed a few things about him regarding his diabetes, and I keep doing research trying to understand diabetes better, and what it's like to live with it. I ask him but he always just gives vague answers and I feel like I'm annoying him when I ask for details. At this point I can't tell if it's ME- that I am really not being understanding about his diabetes, or if he is showing toxic traits or red flags of a relationship.
First off, and please don't bite my head off for this (just help me understand): From what he has told me and what I have researched, he seems to be careless with his insulin.
He loves candy and sweets and soda. I've learned that diabetics can eat whatever they want, but I've also learned that they need to test their blood sugar before they eat, then a bit after, and shoot insulin after they eat too. He just forgets all the time. I have to remind him and it makes me fee like I'm nagging him. He also takes this '24 hour insulin' shot at night, or at least he is supposed to. Often he just falls asleep on the couch with his clothes on and sleeps SO HARD I can't wake him up. Several times already I have woken him up and begged him to take his insulin and go to bed with me.
Second, he forgets his insulin and testing kit everywhere. Last night, it clicked for me and I realized how much I've been 'momming' him and encouraging the behavior. We will be an hour away from him home and he realizes he doesn't have his testing kit, or his insulin, so I offered to start carrying some with me. He was SO happy when I offered this. Now I feel like I am coddling him and he appreciates that someone is doing so.
Third, his blood sugar is a constant rollarcoaster. Like every single night he is either extremely low (shaking, can't speak to me, sweating), or very high. Apparently this isn't normal, nor is it healthy. I understand that this isn't necessarily his fault, but then he tells me that every time he spikes like that it takes some time off his life. And that he isn't going to live past 65. Yes, he was serious when he said that. I started to track the days and times that he had his highs and lows. When I approached him about the fact that it happens every day or every other day (mostly every day), he literally said that he only spikes once a week. I pulled out my calendar and showed him and he was like "oh I didn't know it was that much." ?????????????????/??!!!!!
Third, last night was the final straw. He had a really bad low. The first few times he had a low and I was there, I was terrified. I would ask "What can I do?" I would hand him his "sugar go tos", turn off the TV and just watch him. He told me each time afterwards hat I don't have to react like that, that he will be fine. That he has his sugar, he just has to monitor it. I have since then learned that everything will be okay and to not think I'm going to have a dead body in the room right then and there. Often it happens at night, so I don't go to bed until his sugar is normal. I stay up with him. Sometimes this takes hours and we are awake until 1AM.
So last night when he had his low, I kept the TV on. I put my arm around him, asked if there was anything he needed from me, and I even got up and got him more sugar (without him asking) because I saw he ate all the sugar he brought from the kitchen. I stayed calm. I felt calm. I just scrolled on my phone until he as better. After his low ended, we went to bed and he told me in a very shy baby voice that he felt like I didn't care about him. That I was on my phone the whole time while he felt like he was dying. He said that he needed me to comfort him. My jaw dropped. I told him he needs to tell me when he needs space, and when he wants to be comforted. I literally stopped reacting the original way I did because HE told me to! I told him I have no idea what to do. I apologized many times. He then said things like "Imagine being shot. That's what it feels like. Like I've been shot." I understand that, but I felt like last night he was trying to scare me. When i told him that I was actually on my phone researching things about diabetes, he then got all soft and loving again. As if now it was okay that I was on my phone because it was 'about him'.
One last thing that has been bugging me- he leaves his insulin needles everywhere, uncapped. so the needle is out and could prick people. He will put them in his pocket, they fall into the couch, and he can't find them anymore. Twice thus far I have almost sat or walked on one of his insulin pens with the cap off.
I went to sleep last night honestly wondering if we should break up or not. If this is normal for a diabetic then he deserves better than the shitty girlfriend that I am. I've always been taught that it's a red flag when a partner tries to guilt you and makes you feel like a bad person, like you are wrong. I can't tell if he needs my care because of the diabetes, or if he is saying these things because of a negative personality trait and is using the diabetes as a way to guilt me. My gut is telling me that I am doing all that I can do and that this is not my fault. Please tell me if I'm wrong.
If saying things like "I feel like you don't care about me", shaking, sweating, and seeming like youre going to pass out every single night, and making your girlfriend responsible for you remembering to take your insulin is normal for a diabetic, then I will end things with him so he can find someone better, and I don't deserve him.
Is it me? Am I a shitty girlfriend? Let me have it. I'd rather know the truth. We both deserve to be happy.
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