Some help?

I've been type 1 nearly all my life. I'm serious when I say I barely have any memories before being diagnosed diabetic. I've had it around 15+ years or so (I'll be 20 in the winter.)

The thing is is that I fucking suck at maintaining it. In middle school I had a doctor that said he'd never seen such an out of control case of diabetes as mine. Every time I try to accept it I just can't. I know it'll never go away, ever, but I can't help but avoid it. I feel like if I don't test, don't do this, don't do that, that it'll be okay. It's not okay.

My a1c results came back a few days ago and I'm at 11.6. That's fucking insane. I feel fucking ashamed of myself.

I don't know what else to say. I need help or something. I need someone to tell me what to do, even though I know what to do. I just feel like I can't do it. It's been this way for over 15 years. I'm tired and I want to be healthy but I feel like I can't be? I feel like it'll never be under control so what's the point.

I just want to be healthy for fucking once. I don't want to keeping fucking over my body for the next however many years I've got.

Can anyone give some tips on lowering my a1c? Or any tips at all? It's insane but since I've ignored it forever I like barely know shit about it, what foods to eat, what foods to avoid. Maybe some similar stories? Just feel kinda alone in this and I'd like some advice.