This is my rant and some what plea for help because I feel like I’m running out of energy to help myself. I don’t know where else to really put this but I just need to talk about it.
Sorry if formatting is all fucked up im on mobile.
I’m 22 years old I’ve had diabetes since I was 9. I’d like to think I know what I’m doing by now, but I really don’t any more.
About a year or so ago probably even before I was starting to get major issues with my pump every site I tried to put it in would instantly turn into scar tissue and wouldn’t absorb insulin. Thus having a few day spans where my BS would be well above 350 sometimes even above 400 so you can image the amount of physical and mental stress I was putting on myself. It finally got to the point where I wasn’t getting any insulin for days at a time. And with that my a1c ends up at 9.8 or something like that. When I finally see my endo he doesn’t listen to my problems and just concludes that I don’t do checks and correct for what I eat (which isn’t true.) Signs me up for all these stupid classes for counting carbs having a healthy diet how to bolus correctly. Like come on I’ve been doing this for 13 years now and 10 years with a pump I know what the problem is. So after a weeks worth of just flat out crying, crying to my girlfriend and myself crying myself to bed not being able to function as an adult and having to quit my job because I just couldn’t anymore. So I go back to my endo and say. I need prescriptions for regular lantus and novolog pens. He has the audacity to ask why. Like he clearly wasn’t even listing to me and my problems the first time. He instead signs me up to meet with the Medtronic rep to figure out a solution (insert gun into mouth here). The lady not even 5 minutes into our ‘meeting’ phone rings and says excuse me I must answer this. I couldn’t exactly tell you what the phone call was about but I know for sure that a phone call that can all be answered in yes and no’s is not important. So that ends, yet another week of complete unstable blood sugars and crying. My amazing girlfriend has finally had enough of it. She takes me to my parents house balling my eyes out and tells them you need to get him off of the pump. My dad the next day calls my endo and gets the job done. (Why it was so hard for me to ask I’ll never understand.) things are moving better now I’m finally more stable definitely could be better but it’s a start. Up until 5 or so months ago I’ve never had a single surgery and now in the span of 4 months I’ve had 4 different surgery’s and have to give up all my active sports that I used to play. And it through me for a wild depression and you guess it. More high and unstable blood sugars. I’m so tired of being so fucking close to getting my shit together then the next morning everything just get thrown out the window. I have all the tools necessary to be able to keep it under control. But some how I can’t I just get so close and then it’s all gone. I’m losing energy I’m losing sleep I’m losing the love of the person who loves me the most and cares for me. I’m losing myself I just want to give up and stop caring and just be done with it. Im currently in Miami on a little vacation with my amazing girlfriend and cousin and I’m ruining it all because of my mood swings. In fact a couple of hours ago I had to go to Walgreens to get lotion to rub on my armpits because my blood sugars being so high it gave me a rash. And I really just wanted that walk to be it for some reason. I didn’t want to have to deal with it anymore. And to top it all off I just feel so fucking alone with all my issues and I know I have my girlfriend that would love to listen to my problems but she just doesn’t understand. I really thing it’s hard for a non diabetic to understand our problems. I’ve tried looking for support groups in my area but they are mostly for moms, children and type 2. I’ve tried contacting the local hospital to see if they have or know of anything to suggest but just get so frustrated talking to them on the phone because I cant articulate exactly what I need. But I know I need to try again. I’ll probably just end up going in person and seeing who can help me.
I’m sorry this was so long. I just don’t have a proper outlet to my problems and I have tried talking to professionals but again they just don’t understand and I feel like I cannot connect with them.
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