I just bought 4 big bags of m&ms. I don't even like them that much, but they were only 50 cents-- what a steal! I managed to eat an entire bag before I started getting sick and then angry with myself and now I'm here. I'm a terrible diabetic and I have been for most of this journey. I was diagnosed at 9 and now I'm 26. I'm very self-destructive. I'm very absent minded about controlling my disease. I do things like I stated above pretty frequently. I have diagnosed ADD ( not a thing anymore I know) and it severely affects a process called executive function. I very well know the negative consequences for my inattentiveness brings into my life. It's so hard knowing all that I do about my condition and still not having the thoughts that I can't eat this, or I need to test all day, or I need to take my lantus at night, or I need to give myself humalog before I eat. These thoughts just aren't there. Reminders on my phone don't work, leaving myself notes doesn't work. I'm starting ADHD medication again today and I'm hoping it will help. I don't want to be sick. I hate that I'm like this and I can't just make a concentrated effort to be better. This is my responsibility and I really don't shirk that thought. I sincerely give a shit about living a full healthy life. I have hopes and dreams I want to accomplish. My mind is just a place of scattered will and intentions. I really don't know why I'm writing this here. Unless you have both diabetes and ADHD I doubt many of you would understand. Some days I'm okay and then others, like tonight, I buy the bags of candy and I eat them and not a single red flag pops into my mind-- until I get to where I am now. I'm tearing up in my stupid patrol car for my security job bitter and resentful towards myself. How can I be so absent minded? How can I think so little and be so impulsive? I hate it. I'm my on worst enemy. MY A1c isn't atrocious, 7.6 as of two months ago. Even that's bullshit though as my deviation is ~189. My fiance just broke up with me about a month ago after 3 years of being together. I got fired from a pretty good job 3 months ago. I called in sick twice over the course of a month. My managers called me into a meeting asking how we could set things in place to make the workplace diabetic friendly for me, they assured me I wasn't in trouble. I got fired the following Monday for the absences. I got depressed and fixated on death and my mortality. I became suicidal and withdrawn. My spouse didn't know or care enough to try to get through to me and our relationship dissolved-- she didn't want to be my mother. Which, I understand to a degree. No one understands. I see my doctors and I do try a lot of the time, buts it's the periods in which I don't that shadow the days that I do care or am cognizant about taking care of myself. I don't know what kind of solace I'm expecting with this post. Maybe I just need a place to vent my frustrations about how much my young life has fallen apart recently. Everyone still in my life is singing my praises about my getting a new job and going back to school. I just don't know. I was sitting in a Starbucks earlier today and just felt utterly lost even though I'm on track for positive, responsible changes in my life. I felt like the whole world was moving around me and I was still. And then tonight I bought and ate the bag of fucking candy like I wasn't even a type 1. I didn't inject until an hour later. It wasn't apathy. The thought to control it and myself just wasn't there. I hope this new medication helps. Thanks for reading.
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