I've been a Type 1 Diabetic since 2009 and my control has never really been good for an extended amount of time. I have suffered from horrendous depression and anxiety since my diagnosis and it's just pushed me into this vicious circle of having no motivation to care for my health. I think maybe I've lost grasp of the gravity of this disease; well, until now, when I'm suddenly panicking every night about my blood sugars.
I just really want to get my blood sugars under control; I'm going to see a diabetic nurse on Tuesday for the first time in over a year, so I'm hoping to start a journey to proper management. But I'm scared that I've already axed years off my life for being stupid and shit at controlling my life-threatening disease.
I hate that I can't escape it. It feels to me like a full-time job trying to avoid death. I know it doesn't have to feel that way if I change my relationship with the disease, change my lifestyle, use it as motivation to better myself etc., but it just gets me so down.
I'm scared of going blind, I'm scared of death, I'm scared of losing limbs, and I'm scared this will happen to me because my Diabetes is yet to be controlled as well as it should be. I'm scared that I'm too late to fix it. I'm scared of dying but I also hate being alive with this ridiculous disease.
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