Hi y’all. Desperately need to vent. I was diagnosed with T1 this Feb and it’s been a helluva year. You guys get it.
Anyways, I’m just feeling really fried. I know I’ve only been at it for just a few months, but I want to check out so bad. While this year has had some amazing highs (got married, new apartment, etc), my diabetes has really gotten me down lately.
In the spring, after my diagnosis, I got so behind and lost in my classes at school that I withdrew; then in the fall I filed a leave of absence at the last minute because my mental health was shit and I didn’t want to overstretch between my health, my new bride, work, and classes. I love school and putting it on the back burner has been really upsetting, but I felt like I needed to. So I worked full time at Verizon while my wife worked part time and studied. Then last month after a really tough week I ended up getting fired from my job for a stupid mistake I could have avoided. My wife and I have been pretty broke this year (student life), but not poor. Until this month we have been getting by with bills and living expenses; now we’re scraping together change to make rent. We have 65 bucks in our bank account and I don’t know how the hell we’ll make it into the new year. I’ve never felt this financially helpless.
Now I have a fucking monster infection on my finger that won’t go away despite taking the prescribed antibiotics. it throbs constantly. It’s a dumb thing to be bothered by, but it’s just another stupid thing weathering me down.
Then tonight I misscalculted my bolus and I had a pretty bad low. Part of me wanted to just lay down and let it take me away. My wife helped me out and I treated it, but it’s been a rough day and the thought of just saying fuck it sounds damn pleasant right now. Tonight everything just feels like it’s crashing down for some reason and I’m collapsing under it all and can’t stop crying. It’s 5am and I don’t want to wake my wife up. I know I’ll be ok and this will all blow by, but goddamn the disease has been exhausting for me and I just want it to go away. Knowing it never will is devastating.
Sorry for the rant you guys. It’s been a hard day, I’m feeling really down rn, and I needed a place to write this out. If you have any loving words it would mean a lot to hear from some other sick folk who get what it’s like. Thanks.
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