It feels like the sky is falling, and I'm the one that caused it to fall.
I was diagnosed as prediabetic back in June. I'll be 30 on October 2nd, and my doctor wasn't particularly worried about the diagnosis because she's somehow got more faith in me than I do in myself. So I started the journey of trying to add more vigorous exercise than cleaning hotel rooms into my routine - riding a bike - and changing my terrible junk diet. Maybe in the process I could lose weight, yay?
But it's been. HARD. I am the pickiest person in the world and people just scoff at me when I say I legitimately get sick and throw up when I try to eat most vegetables. Being autistic is fun; they should try it sometime. And yet I still was able to incorporate the cauliflower substitutions like mashed and cauliflower crust pizza (The California Pizza Kitchen one is insanely delicious if I do say so myself), and I almost completely cut soda out of my life and only drink water, sparkling water, and the occasional serving of almond milk -- i only ever have one soda like twice a month now.
And yet when the heatwave happened, the exercise routine fell apart. I didn't even feel human enough to plain move in the 110 degree heat, let alone ride a dang bike. But I still kept at attempting to manage my diet, but I admit I was already starting to feel very pessimistic by the time August rolled around and my compulsions gave way, although I was still being good and avoiding soda for the most part. There was just. A lot of consumption of Goldfish crackers.
I got my A1C results from the other day back. The numbers are worse than in June. I thought I had been doing so good even with the setbacks, but it turns out I haven't. I don't know how to face my doctor in mid-October when I see her about the results. I don't know how to face that I haven't been good enough.
I know it's not a death sentence, but I just can't help but feel despair. But as someone with BPD (borderline) despair is my middle name, lol, I would have felt it for whatever other reason if not diabetes. I was already starting to resign myself to not being able to have a baby whenever my boyfriend and I are able to settle down and get married and have a stable life, because I'm almost 30. And 30 is that danger zone decade. And I'm not sure if I'm emotionally strong enough to handle even more difficulties in conceiving and successfully having a baby if diabetes is thrown into the mix. idk at this point. i'm a maelstrom right now.
If you read this wall of text, I commend you. I just needed to get it out and put it somewhere that it would be better understood than if I vented on other platforms.
Social Plugin